I’m about as happy as blind poof in a hotdog factory

I’m about as happy as a nun in a cucumber patch.

I’m about as happy as a beatific bundle of blissfulness.

I’m about as happy as a dog with two dicks.

I’m about as happy as Kid in a candy store

I’m about as happy as Pig in shit

A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been suplexed through a cattle grid

A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been employed to do the voice of Ned Flanders

A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been secretly hiding my gender for the past 21 years.

A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been subjected to pictures of Susan Boyle naked

A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been momentarily been encapsulated in my youth

A spider just landed on my face and I screamed like I'd been told I would have to sit through a 89 hour Bieber - a - thon